Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Some Flylady Wisdom

I just loved this commentary from the flylady. As women we have a constant need to 'fix' things. Do you ever think that sometimes when your friends call and complain, they just want to be 'heard'? I've been trying to work on this. So often, they just want an ear, not a fix. Enjoy.

To Fix or Not to Fix - That is the Question
Dear Friends,
For years FlyLady and I have spent most mornings on the telephone talking about SHE's, what makes us tick, why do we behave in a certain way and what can we teach to helpeveryone to FLY. Recently we were talking about a certain personality trait that seems to be very prevalent among most SHE's - our need to "Fix" things, situations, people and problems. The strange thing is that we are drawn to fix other people's problems instead of our own. Is this because we don't want to acknowledge our own issues or is it a way for us to feel better about ourselves?
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and also doing quite a bit of self reflection, I consider my self to be a mostly reformed fixer that falls off the wagon occasionally!! Through my journey down memory lane I have determined that there are two main roads that we will travel towards fixing something. We will either choose the road that is self-less or we will choose the road that is selfish. Don't get stuck on the negativity of selfish, let me explain more:
The self-less road is when we attempt to fix something or someone because we truly believe that our help will contribute to fixing whatever the problem at hand is. We have no ego tied into the fixing, we are only in it to help. Your best friend has to move out of her home in three days and you drop everything to go and help her get it done - there is nothing in it for you other than to help a friend in need.
The selfish road is when we have some type of personal investment into the fixing of the problem. The outcome or resolution of the problem will affect us and therefore we put ourselves right in the middle of fixing things. The word selfish has a negative connotation attached to it and we can't be afraid of that, we have to embrace it. Your best friend has gotten into an argument with two other friends in your circle. You get involved because their argument affects you and you try to fix things. If you get down and dirty honest with yourself in this example - you really get involved because you don't want your circle to be in turmoil because it takes away from what you need from them. Generally when we approach things from the selfish perspective we get burned!
We have to be able to understand when we are attempting to fix things why we want to help. This will save you pain, embarrassment, frustration and anger for yourself and from others.
When we put ourselves in the position of being the "fixer" we find that people will turn to us in the future for help and we all like to feel needed. The problem with this is that webegin to define ourselves by what we can fix and control versus who we really are. We are not in the position to help others until we help ourselves first. This means you can't teach others to love themselves until you love yourself first. Attempting to fix everyone else's issues before your own is not loving yourself. It is a way to hide behind someone's else's pain and hurt to disguise your own.
When you find yourself wanting to get involved in something that may not be your place you need to take a step back and ask yourself "Why do I want to get involved? Do I have something valuable to add or contribute to a resolution?" Sometimes when we get involved in the "fixing" we take away from the rightful path that the players involved needed to travel. Maybe the individuals involved need to feel pain or hurt to come away from the moment learning something about others or themselves. If we interrupt that path did we really fix anything?
Part of Finally Loving Yourself is recognizing things about yourself that you may not like, the beauty is that we get to work on ourselves as we are always a work in progress not perfection!!

0 equal yet different opinions: